(Composition notebook page turns. Writing with a dull pencil on paper begins.)
Young Me
(High-pitched, crying, tense, 8 year old* female voice)
March 8th 1999.
I shouldn’t have told Brie what he did to me. I shouldn’t have told anyone. Mom hates me now. I made her so angry. I just … I didn’t want to make her angry. I didn’t mean to make people mad. I should have just kept it to myself; things would be so much better if I didn’t tell.
(Pencil writing sound ends)
Present-Day Me
(Vibrato-less, calm, lower in pitch, 24 year old female voice)
They only would have been better for your family … for everyone else because then they could live in the ignorance that they try to live in now. Of course you … I … we should have told someone; if you hadn’t he could have done that to you again. Your family should have done more for you. They should have immediately kicked him out, immediately called the police; instead, they let him get away with it. And that’s their problem, not yours. You are not at fault at all.
(Composition notebook page turns. Writing with a dull pencil on paper begins.)
Young Me
(High-pitched [slightly lower than previous younger self], tense, 10 year old* female voice)
February 16th 2001.
Mom doesn’t love me. She never does anything with me. The only person she cares about is Michael. And I know it’s because he wasn’t hurt by that person. She just ignores me and yells at me. It’s all my fault.
(Pencil writing sound ends)
Present-Day Me
(Calm, lower in pitch, 24 year old female voice)
No, mom doesn’t love you. She is incapable (emphasis on “incapable” dragging out the word) of really loving anyone but herself. But that has nothing to do with you. That’s her issues. How she has treated you since finding out about the sexual assault her first son inflicted on you is a reflection of how terrible she (emphasis on “she”) is as a person, not you.
(Composition notebook page turns. Writing with a dull pencil on paper begins.)
Young Me
(High-pitched [slightly lower than previous younger self], tense, crying, breathy, nasally, 11 year old* female voice)
April 14th 2002.
Mom hates me. She lets Michael pick on me all the time. All she does is yell at me and make me feel really bad for nothing at all. I think she wishes I was never born. I wish that too.
(Pencil writing sound ends)
Present-Day Me
(Calm, lower in pitch, 24 year old female voice)
Yes, mom has, in many ways, made Michael hate you. But one day he, too, (emphasis on “he too” dragging out the words) will realize that she (emphasis on “she”) was the problem in your childhood, that she (emphasis on “she”) caused all the problems we had, that wasn’t your fault. One day he will realize that she was punishing you for what her first son did to you. You and Michael (slight pause) may never be close, but you’ll know he loves you, and he knows that you love him.
(Composition notebook page turns. Writing with a dull pencil on paper begins.)
Young Me
(High-pitched [slightly lower than previous younger self], tense, crying, nasally, 12 year old* female voice)
June 20th 2003.
I don’t want to be home when Dad’s not home. Mom is getting really bad. She just yells at me and says all these really mean things. Maybe she’s right; maybe I (emphasis on “I”) am the problem in the family. Everyone would just be better off if I wasn’t around.
(Pencil writing sound ends)
Present-Day Me
(Mostly calm, lower in pitch, 24 year old female voice; becomes more tensed during “emphasis”)
Dad turned a blind eye to the things that she was doing when he wasn’t around. He both believed what she was saying because she was an adult and didn’t want to accept that she was doing such awful things. He’ll regret that in the future. (Voice gets slightly louder) But you will also (emphasis on “also”) able to recognize that you do not need a superhero parent; both your parents were at fault in their own ways. Mom was a bully; dad was a bystander. She may (slight emphasis on “may”) have behaved a little bit better when he was around, but him being there didn’t change things. Remember, even when you told him these things, he stayed with her, and he is still (emphasis on “he is”, slight emphasis on “still”) with her; don’t idealize someone for just sometimes helping the situation.
(Composition notebook page turns. Writing with a dull pencil on paper begins.)
Young Me
(High-pitched [slightly lower than previous younger self], tense, urgent, fast, 14 year old* female voice)
May 11th 2005.
Mom almost just killed me. Like really almost just killed me. She just broke down my door and had to be torn away by Dad. If he wasn’t here, I’d be dead. I’d rather be dead. (crying, nasally voice begins) I hate living here. I never should have told anyone, then she couldn’t punish me for what he did to me. (sniffling) It wasn’t (crying breath) my fault; I thought maybe, maybe, I should tell, and now I know I shouldn’t. Everyone in this family hates me because of what happened to me. (crying breath) And mom has turned everyone against me. She tells them any time we have a fight, and leaves out everything she’s done in the fight. So it just makes me look awful. And like she’s the perfect mother. But she’s so awful. All she does is bully me. And now thanks to her I don’t even have a family anymore.
(Pencil writing sound ends)
Present-Day Me
(Mostly calm, lower in pitch, 24 year old female voice; becomes more tensed during “emphasis”)
(Breathy voice during first sentence) These people (emphasis on “people”) aren’t your (short pause) family (emphasis on :family” dragging out the word). (Calmer voice begins) Eventually some people from your biological family will realize mom wasn’t telling the whole truth about you, but it doesn’t matter. You will create your own family. You will have (emphasis on “have” dragging out the word a little) an amazing partner who loves and respects you and treats you like you deserve to be treated. And you will have friends who become your family, who are always there to support and love you. Family doesn’t have to be blood relations; family is who you choose, and you choose some amazing people in the future.
(Composition notebook page turns. Writing with a dull pencil on paper begins.)
Young Me
(High-pitched [slightly lower than previous younger self], tense, urgent, fast, 16 year old* female voice)
March 20th 2007
(Fast, urgent, angry voice begins) All I wanted was for his pictures to be gone from my house. That’s all I wanted. Now she’s having a complete (Emphasis on “Complete”) meltdown blaming me for not seeing him and acting like I’m a total monster and like I’m killing her by asking for these pictures to be gone. Like, he assaulted me (emphasis on “he assaulted me” shaky, tense, crying voice); (crying, tense, breathy voice begins) why do people want his picture in my home. I have to come home every day and be reminded of what happened because there he is all over the walls staring at me. And she acts like I am a monster for asking for these pictures to be taken down. Why do I get blamed and yelled at for not wanting to see him?
(Pencil writing sound ends)
Present-Day Me
(Lower in pitch, urgent, tense, 24 year old female voice; becomes even more tensed during “emphasis”)
That place isn’t your home (emphasis on “That place” and “home”). It might be where you grew up, but that does not mean (emphasis on “not” and “mean”) that it’s your home. Your home is your partner; your home are your friends who care so deeply about you; your home is your chosen family (emphasis on all “your home” and “chosen”). Don’t (emphasis on “don’t”) associate that place with something that’s supposed to be warm and loving because it’s not. You (emphasis on “you”) deserve better than that place .
(Composition notebook page turns. Writing with a dull pencil on paper begins.)
Young Me
(Slightly higher-pitched than 24 year old, tense, urgent, breathy, desperate sounding, 18 year old* female voice)
July 14th 2009
I can’t do this anymore. She makes me hate (emphasis on “hate”) myself. If I stay here any longer, I, I, will be dead by the end of the year. I won’t live like this anymore. Either I don’t live with her anymore, (pause) or I don’t live.
(Pencil writing sound ends)
(SILENCE for 3 seconds)
Present-Day Me
(Higher in pitch, urgent, tense, 24 year old female voice; becomes even more tensed during “emphasis”)
I got out of there. Sure, I was basically kicked out. But I am so much better off not being there. It’s been years since I’ve lived with them, and I have healed more in those years than I ever could have if I stayed there. (Voice becomes less tense, less urgent, lower in pitch—to regular pitch of voice) I will never have a mother; I’ll always just have a bully, but I’ve come to realize that I don’t want a mother if the option is her. I’d rather be motherless with an amazing (emphasis on “amazing”) chosen family and a healthy mind (emphasis on “mind”), free of her constant emotional abuse, than have her in my life. Trust me, I am so (emphasis on “so”) much better off. Her bullying seemed like the end of everything back then, but thank god (slight emphasis on “god”) I held on, there is so (emphasis on “so”) much more to live for (emphasis on “live for”), and I am so happy (emphasis on “so happy”) that I kept fighting and that I held on (emphasis on “held on”). I no longer let her shame me for my sexual assault; I am able to share it with people, and I have a community (slight emphasis on “community”) of support for myself to survive (says last part of sentence slower, each word more drawn out) my assault and all her bullying. (Louder, stronger, more powerful voice) I have claimed my experience.
*These voices are digitally created by making the pitch higher during the editing process